a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
