I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
