Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
