she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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