I want to have your abortion
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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