took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
