So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
