i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
