I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
