Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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