youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize