I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
