I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
