if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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