I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
