I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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