so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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