I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
