Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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