do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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