she woke up with a sticky ear
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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