Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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