i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
