tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
