He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
