she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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