he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
