Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
