Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
