Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
