The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
