Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
