shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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