Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
handjob tips. give me some.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Randomize
