ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
