Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
