Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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