My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
