Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
