just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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