I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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