nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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