I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
