The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
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