i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
