It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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