DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
