It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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