so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
