Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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