so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
