just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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