my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
