I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
