just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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