At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize