you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I forget how to act sober
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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