You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
