Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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