You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
