I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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